CITY GIRL

I’m not your typical city girl– the city girl that finesse’s for a living or even twerks out in public for some attention. Instead i’m the city girl that grew up in poverty, the sound of cars passing by as if they’re going 100 mph, the lingering smell of dirty clothes and the buildings aching for growth.

“Emotionally I am an introvert but it comes off as aggression.”

Kevin Gates

I am a firm believer that you can do anything you put your mind to. Growing up I didn’t really understand that, I would let my anxiety CONTROL me. I use to push people away when they would get too close, eventually I was so hurt that I knew I had to change. That change started in my anxiety it felt like I was screaming and nobody could hear me or even cared.. It feels like you’re just in a little bubble listing to everyone take deep breaths and you just can’t take it anymore, you explode. I knew I had to change, I had to work on me, I had to put myself out there. I talked to people about how I was feeling and I even found little remedies that would help. Put your health first, self care is the key to happiness. I’m not there but the biggest blessing is working on myself.

Twenty one and I finally know how to control my anger. Clinching my fist together when someone would make a smart remark or even looked at me side ways. “Trust no one” I heard that a lot growing up only because my mother was done dirty by every person she met. I grew up afraid to trust the wrong person, eventually every person I came across would call me toxic.

The thought of isolating myself in a dark room quite frightens me, not only because my anxiety will take over. It scares me because I hate being alone, I have “mommy and daddy issues” as others would say. Not having your parents in your life or even having toxic parents could do serious damage. Any guy that would give me the slightest attention I would run to, I didn’t understand my worth. Getting attached easily was a pet peeve of mine; I knew my attachment problems were because of my parents.

“She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”

Judith Lewis Herman

Although both city girls do have one thing in common- lack of attention. It can be from someone you hold dearest to you, or even the people you once held close to you. Either way, I am the city girl that lacks attention from the people that gave birth to me. That was a huge influence in my life. It led to anxiety, anger, and loneliness. At the end of the day I suffered, I had to figure out was wrong with me and how I can be a better version of myself.

I am a city girl.

-pj

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