Phæ t tî

Glimpse of Waves

It was a beautiful night, the river ran through the mountain top

Our ancestors danced through the dark hours and never stopped

The touch of your lips made everything pause all we could hear was the water fall

We watched the sun rise as I rode your face like a tiger looking for it’s prize

The wind pushed us against the car all I could see was your shady brown eyes

I struck you with knives as I sucked you dry

You moaned my name, I can tell I took your soul

Oh you know I’m gold

Did you finally realize I’m a maniac?

pull my hair, make me feel relaxed, squeeze my thigh, caress your hand down my spine

You really do know how to make me grasp

We both flowed with the motion till I reached my climax

You pulled out and said “wow I think I might be in love with your fine ass”

You make me feel like a wolverine who just wants to attack

Your phone blurted out a loud ring, you then proceeded to say “goodnight I hope you find your way back”

Instead I’m trying to keep my heart intact

I need to let you go

But I can’t, you have my soul trapped

I’ll be here waiting for that message “you up” just so it could feel like I relapsed

I need to accept that you will never love me back

-pj

Anxiety

I just want to scream

Why can’t I wake up from this dream

I feel like I’m going to explode, all the way to Tennessee

I’m on the verge of letting it all go

The sound of the water sounds like a drone

Should I get up or let myself sink

I can’t bare to think

I see land but don’t want to grasp

I want to let it all go

But, I can’t

Reach for the stars is all I hear

But nothing is clear

-pj

CUTTING TIES

You’d think we’d treat each other as if we were elegant

But instead we all treat each other like were irrelevant

Some of us are diligent

Whether its the ones we share blood with

Cry with

Or even lay with

Its still all significant

Mama taught me to love from afar but still be vigilant

You could be out playing with Peter Pan but he’s still mischievous

Be selfish

You can only be so selfless

Know when to cut ties, peep the viciousness

-pj

CITY GIRL

I’m not your typical city girl– the city girl that finesse’s for a living or even twerks out in public for some attention. Instead i’m the city girl that grew up in poverty, the sound of cars passing by as if they’re going 100 mph, the lingering smell of dirty clothes and the buildings aching for growth.

“Emotionally I am an introvert but it comes off as aggression.”

Kevin Gates

I am a firm believer that you can do anything you put your mind to. Growing up I didn’t really understand that, I would let my anxiety CONTROL me. I use to push people away when they would get too close, eventually I was so hurt that I knew I had to change. That change started in my anxiety it felt like I was screaming and nobody could hear me or even cared.. It feels like you’re just in a little bubble listing to everyone take deep breaths and you just can’t take it anymore, you explode. I knew I had to change, I had to work on me, I had to put myself out there. I talked to people about how I was feeling and I even found little remedies that would help. Put your health first, self care is the key to happiness. I’m not there but the biggest blessing is working on myself.

Twenty one and I finally know how to control my anger. Clinching my fist together when someone would make a smart remark or even looked at me side ways. “Trust no one” I heard that a lot growing up only because my mother was done dirty by every person she met. I grew up afraid to trust the wrong person, eventually every person I came across would call me toxic.

The thought of isolating myself in a dark room quite frightens me, not only because my anxiety will take over. It scares me because I hate being alone, I have “mommy and daddy issues” as others would say. Not having your parents in your life or even having toxic parents could do serious damage. Any guy that would give me the slightest attention I would run to, I didn’t understand my worth. Getting attached easily was a pet peeve of mine; I knew my attachment problems were because of my parents.

“She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”

Judith Lewis Herman

Although both city girls do have one thing in common- lack of attention. It can be from someone you hold dearest to you, or even the people you once held close to you. Either way, I am the city girl that lacks attention from the people that gave birth to me. That was a huge influence in my life. It led to anxiety, anger, and loneliness. At the end of the day I suffered, I had to figure out was wrong with me and how I can be a better version of myself.

I am a city girl.

-pj

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